Learn to Treat Ourselves Better
Like a basic day for a remote worker, I wake up early and get ready to work in front of my laptop at 08.00 AM. This body often feels tired, but the pleasure of working often makes me forget about it, learning and solving problems about new things is fun.,
Until the night come, the night I often spent in the dark room with my phone and Ipad. An atmosphere that’s supportive enough to stimulate my brain start to work harder and question many things.
It happens quite often, maybe every night. I also often ask myself “What makes this happen?”.
The construction of my first house is in progress, every day there is quite a lot of money from my savings that I have to spend. Intense discussions with builders and buying materials at building shops were daily activities that force me to become more mature, it’s very stressful. Sometimes my mother tell me to stop the construction for a while, but of course I politely refused. The time I have is limited, this development must continue until it’s finished, because maybe next month I have to go to Jakarta, I don’t know.
I haven’t decided in which city I will settle in a long life. I have tried to live in several cities, but have not been able to determine, each city has its own considerations. Yogyakarta is my dream city, the atmosphere is calm, comfortable and friendly, but it will be very difficult to get a good job there, unless you start your own business. Very contradictory to what I wanted, I currently work in a Jakarta company, a very busy city, but there are many good job with good salary.
Am I able to achieve the idealism to live in Yogyakarta with a settled job? Or should I just live in Jakarta? When will I stop questioning this?
I am still not sure where to live, i am not ready for many things before it’s done, this also reminds me of myself who isn’t ready for serious relationship. The trauma of failure that I experienced, letting go of the woman I used to love and many factors I had to consider. Very weak and pathetic.
The trauma carried over to this day, I have not dared to enter into a new relationship with commitment, I don’t want to waste people’s time anymore, I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings anymore. Right now I’m in love with someone and it makes me ask “Am I worthy enough for that?”
In those suffocating nights, I always blamed myself and made me feel like a man who was too idealistic in his life, a man who failed to fight for love, a man who made many wrong decisions, and so on.
Every night I regularly read on Medium, for me reading is the best way to find references and validation of what I feel, I found a lot of articles that relate to my life, relate to the problems of people in my age.
Until one night I found an article about Self Love, then I also read several articles on related topics. Some of those readings were enough to make me realize that I was too harsh and cruel with myself. I always try to treat others well, but I forget to do the same for myself. No one in this world likes to be blamed, but I always blame myself. How can I accept myself if I keep doing bad things to myself?
I should be more grateful to myself for always working hard, thinking long term, and taking care of other people’s feelings. Being able to build my first house, being able to work at Unicorn, being able to start my own business in Yogyakarta, and having the courage to start a new love, that’s all things I should celebrate.
How can the world accept us, if we can’t accept ourselves? How can other people believe in us, if we don’t believe in ourselves? How do angels record our prayers, if we don’t pray with all our souls?
This is a very difficult thing, but it needs to be done every day, love yourself, treat yourself well as we treat the people we love.
